The Inter-Galactic Championship
By Dick Schmelzkopf
Copyright © 1999 - 2008 Dick Schmelzkopf
We are sitting here in Molly Aquires Dart Pub in Spring, Texas. This is where the event will take place. The Spring Creek Dart League is hosting the biggest event of the century. Earth will be represented by Molly Aquires Dart Pub. The team name has not been chosen yet. Game-Man will choose the name. The rest of the universe will be represented by a small pub on Io. Io is one of the moons of Jupiter.
Molly's is so named because a gal named Molly won it in a dart game. Then Game-Man, that's his darty-street-name, acquired it from her on an unusual bet. Molly, a very well put together gal, bet Game-Man that he couldn't throw three bullseyes if she set the dart board on the floor and leaned it against the wall. Then she stood over it naked, with the dart board between her legs. She bet the pub against a marriage contract with Game-Man. He couldn't do it¬that is, throw bulls. Just between you and I, I don't think any man alive could do it. You get to looking at Molly, and you would forget all about the bullseyes. As a result of this contest Molly acquired a husband and Game-Man acquired a dart pub and they both lived happily ever after. As you can tell by the bet, Molly set the wager so it would be a win-win situation. Now they own a bunch of dart pubs, all named Molly's something-or-another. If you play darts out of one of their pubs, people say you belong to Molly's stable. Molly-Three-Boob, her darty-street-name, has ample boobs as you might be able to tell by the moniker. Molly-Three-Boob and Game-Man run a good pub. If you are winning, the drinks are on the house. If you lose consistently, they will trade you to another pub.
By the way my name is...Well you don't need my real name, my darty-name is Bullseye-Drunk-Again. I am going to be your narrator for this event. I'll tell you all about the teams in the play off, as well as the players. Practically none of us know each other by our real names. I will introduce you to all the participants by their darty-names. I guess you should know how I got my darty-name. Many years ago, I had played poker all night and well into the next day. We had been drinking a bit at the game. When it broke up about noon, I was heading home and decided to stop and have one more beer at an icehouse. When I walked in I discovered they were having a blind draw for plastic darts, to play cricket. Now normally I'm a steel dart player. We tend to think of plastic tips or soft tips as a kids game. But I thought, what the heck. I gave the guy putting together the blind draw, my five bucks and my real name. When the blind draw came, I was ecstatic. I had drawn Mike Stout for a partner. His darty-name is Mike-The-Mick, because of his propensity to drink huge quantities of Bushmills and/or Jamisons . He drinks Irish whisky by the bathtub full. Mike-The-Mick is also the manager of Molly Aquires. He didn't know it, but he was my dart hero. This was like making a western with "The Duke". I wasn't very far along in my dart education yet. I didn't even have a darty-street-name, however that was about to change. There was no doubt, Mike could see I was a bit under the weather and I didn't know any dart strategy. I asked him, "What do you want me to shoot at." He said, "You just keep throwing at the bullseye. I'll take care of everything else." As I toed the line I could just make out the bull. Every time I hit a bull the machine would make some kind of strange noise. We heard that noise a lot. As the saying goes, I got hot, and Mike-The-Mick took care of all the rest of the numbers. We won, split the pot and left the icehouse going our separate ways. I stopped at another bar to spend some of my winnings. At this bar some of the plastic-darters were shooting for bullseyes. Winner got a shooter of tequila. As luck would have it, I was still hot. The plastic-darters told me Molly Aquires was having a steel dart, blind draw contest. As long as I was so hot they asked me to join them. So off we go to Molly's. We walked in. The place was crowded. We went over to register and give them five bucks for the entrance fee. Low and behold, if I didn't draw Mike-The-Mick for a partner again. We're standing there getting ready to diddle, and I said to Mike, "What's our strategy." He said "Drunk again? You just shoot bullseyes, you're good at em. I'll close the rest." Well, we won again. That's how I got my darty-street-name, Bullseye-Drunk-Again.
Well, look who just came in. You see that good looking gal with the dark hair and most kissable lips? That's Cloveless-Annie. You see that aluminum pool cue case she's carrying? That case is fairly new. She keeps a custom made Viking cue stick in there, as well as her darts, which are also first class. She can whip your butt at the pool table or the dart board. A few years ago she was shooting darts with a guy named Fancy-Dance. He used to give a little kick when he threw a dart. If he had three good darts he would give a little dance. Thus the name. He was a total toad, not a sportsman at all. He would heckle his opponent and rub it in if he won. He would brag on how good he was and how bad his opponent threw. Cloveless-Annie would beat his butt nine out of ten times. Elise, known as Lotta-lenya came over and asked Annie to borrow her cue stick. She got her name because she hustled pool. Her boyfriend's name was Mark-The-Dart, as in Mack The Knife, as in "The Three Penny Opera". Mark-The-Dart, is also known as Darty-Mark, but you better know him well to call him Darty-Mark, as you will see when I tell you about him. Back to Annie, she is sitting there at a table having a beer and talking with Fancy-Dance. The empty aluminum cue stick case is on the floor beside her. Fancy is smoking some kind of clove cigarette. Annie said, "Would you please not blow that smoke in my direction. I'm allergic to cloves and I will get a violent reaction to your smoke." She took a good chug of beer and went to the line. She had one-hundred thirteen to go out. Fancy sneaks up to her and blew a smoke ring right into her face. She sneezed, then threw the first dart. It was a triple twenty. That left a fifty-three out. She toed the line, Fancy hit her with another smoke ring. She sneezed, threw and got a three. That leaves fifty. She toes the line, gets ready to throw and Fancy-Dance hits her with another cloud of smoke. She sneezed again, and the last dart goes to the double bull. Cloveless-Annie gets her darts, gives him a high five and says thanks for the game. Then she walks over to the table, picks up her beer, has a good chug-a-lug, puts the beer down and picks up the aluminum cue case walks over to fancy, who is getting ready to throw a practice dart, and says, "Don't ever blow clove smoke at me again." and proceeds to hit him over the head with the case. She sneezed, and hit him again, saying, "No cloves." She hit him another good one and sneezed. When she was finished, she left the aluminum case wrapped around the top of his head. He looked like he was wearing one of those novelty arrows that make you look like you've been shot threw the head. Lotta-Lenya saw the whole thing. She said to Fancy-Dance, "What's the matter Fancy? Did you let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass?" Cloveless Annie interjected, "No, judging from the smell that was coming from him, I thought he was on fire, so I was trying to do him a favor and beat it out." Most every darter in the country thought Cloveless-Annie did the right thing. Fancy-Dance doesn't come around much any more, but he is here for this contest. If he keeps his mouth shut, probably no one will shove a beer bottle in it. Maybe.
Well, I'll be. Look over there. Do you see the two couples playing liars poker? The couple on the right is Sir-Roger-The-Dragon-Slayer, and his wife, High-Out-Jenny. Did You know High-Out, won Sir-Roger in a dart game? No Joke! His friend Awesome-Andy, of Awesome Anne & Andy, the other couple playing liars poker, told me the real story on how they all got their darty-names. There is this small pub somewhere in the British Isles that Sir-Roger played for. This was before he had a dart name. Sir-Roger's team was called "The Lost Lambs". His sponsoring pub was called Little Lambs Eat Ivy. "The Lost Lambs" were the home team. The captain of "The Lost Lambs" had made a team bet with "The Dragons" that the losing team would pick up the tab for the beer drinking that night. "The Lost lambs" were going to play a team down from the East end of London. These blokes thought they were hot stuff. They were sponsored by a pub called The Dragons Breath, they called themselves "The Dragons". "The Dragons" came strutting into Little Lambs Eat Ivy, cursing and boasting that "We are here to fleece the Lambs and have lamb chops." These guys were all rugby players. Big, bad mothers. Five minutes before the game was supposed to start, Sir-Roger got a call from his captain. The rest of the team was all down with the croup of some sort. Roger told the captain of "The Dragons" his team was sick. The captain of "The Dragons" then told the rest of his team, and that caused uproarious laughter. The captain says, "That doesn't surprise me. You "Lambs" are all lambs. You're afraid to play real men. We'll just stay here and drink pints. You can pick up the tab." Roger takes a deep breath and says, "If you don't mind bending the rules a bit, I'll play you guys by myself." There was another round of belly laughs. The captain said, "All right lambsy-poo , you pretend you're two people. We'll spot you the diddle. You can shoot first for all the games." Sir-Roger said, "Stick it. You don't have to spot me anything, here is my diddle." He threw a double bull. The gorilla that was acting as captain said, "Okay, what's your game?" Sir-Roger says, "Three-0-one." Sir-Roger ordered a pint, drank it straight down, then doubled in with a ton.
Awesome-Andy said, "That was when I first started playing darts. I hadn't gotten my Darty-name yet. I watched Sir-Roger out drink those brutes, as well as out play them. That was Sir-Roger's first year. The darty-gods must have been looking out for him. He crushed "The Dragons" single handed. By the way, he never had to buy another pint in the Little Lambs Eat Ivy Pub That's how he became, Sir-Roger-The Dragon-Slayer."
Awesome-Andy continued, "Well as things happen in this world, it wasn't to long after that and Sir-Roger found himself in a bad way. He was caught short(that is, low on funds. The Lambs Eat Ivy Pub was putting on an all ladies dart contest. Sir-Roger decided he would offer himself up as a slave to the lady who had high out. If the lady would accept him, this would solve several problems. He would have a roof over his head and food to eat, for washing a couple of windows and maybe a floor or two. This is also how his wife Jenny got her darty-name. It was the night of the big contest, the players were on the last leg. At this point the high out was a thirty-two. Certainly nothing miraculous. There were several ladies that had the thirty-two out. None of them were what you might call a fox. This short bird steps to the line and says to the chalker, "Is that one hundred-seventy I have left?" The chalker confirms the number with a nod. Sir-Roger looks at the girl toeing the line and says to himself. That lady is gorgeous, I sure hope she can get down and get out before the other ladies. After all, I would rather be a slave to a princess as opposed to a sows ear. Who knows what could develop? She stood tall at the line, as tall as she could anyway. She leaned forward and let the dart go. A triple twenty. She stopped, took a breath, leaned forward and threw the second dart. You could hear the crowd inhale deeply as the second dart nestled firmly beside the first dart. One of her team mates said, "Look at that, the darter's dream. She has a shot for the high out." Jenny looked back at her team mate and gave a glance at Sir-Roger. He gave her a thumbs up for encouragement. Jenny looked at the line, stepped up, looked at the board and let the third dart fly. Wham! Double bull. The pub went crazy. The owner of the Little Lambs Eat Ivy, bought a round for the house. Then he said, "Well High-Out-Jenny, ain't nobody going to beat that out. It looks like you won yourself a slave by the name of Sir-Roger-The-Dragon-Slayer." Several weeks later they came into the pub married, The pub owner said to High-Out-Jenny, "Why did you tie the knot with him?" High-Out-Jenny replied, "I like the way he does windows and floors and besides he's the only guy I've ever met that can beat me in darts."
"Well Awesome-Andy, how did you and your wife Awesome-Anne, get your darty-names?" Awesome-Andy said, "Anne and I were going to play another couple for a beer. The other couple had always beaten us. We decided we would try something different to throw them off their game. It was Anne's shot. She said, 'Okay Andy, get in the ready position. Here I come.' She jumped on my back, piggy-back style. I galloped back and forth at the toe-line. I looked over at the other couple and could see the confused looks on their faces. "Good" I thought. "The third time I galloped past the toe-line, Anne let fly with a dart. Reminiscent of the western Indians circling a wagon train, she got us in with a ton. The husband on the other team said, 'That is awesome Anne, Andy'". So that's how we became Awesome Anne & Andy. By the way we never lost another game to that couple."
Here comes Dos-Mas. He is truly an original. Not only has he been playing darts in this league forever, but he supports the league. He has been a captain, as he is now, as well as actively participating on the Dart-Committee-Board. He plays out of Bob Masters Sports Pub, Masters' Brewery. Beer-Bob, his darty-name, has all the beers from around the world at his place. Dos-Mas has named the team, "The-Whole-In-The-Wall-Gang". Aptly named, these guys are a bunch of pirates. Dos-Mas hand picks every player. When Dos-Mas interviews for a player he will buy them a shooter of some sort. Then he will start playing darts with the prospective team member. After a few minutes, he will yell to the bartender, "dos mas". If the interviewee does not fade after a few of these, he may be accepted. At this point, Dos-Mas will take the whole team into the ladies room with a tray of shooters. They will throw the shooters back, then with much gusto, throw the empty shot glasses against the wall. At that point you will hear the chant of the "Whole-In-The-Wall-Gang". The chant will ring throughout the pub. "Playing darts and LOVING IT." Beer-Bob will send someone back to clean up the mess and then will buy a round of drinks for the team. If there are other darters in the place, you will probably hear something like, "Look-out, Dos-Mas has got himself another ringer."
I take a chug of my Honey Brown and look around the bottle. Coming in the door is "Molly's Moonshiners", one of the teams from Molly's stable. These guys are consistently competitive. Most seasons they will take a trophy of one sort or another, much to the chagrin of the other teams. That first guy in line is the newest member of the team. His darty-name is 007-Andrew. He is a gadget-man, personified. He once showed me what appeared to be a cigarette lighter, it turned out to be a custom black box for a Lear Jet. He had converted it to a Dictaphone type of devise he was using to secretly record competitive information from a business competitor he had met in another bar. You see that walking stick he's carrying? That is not just a cane. It looks like one, however it breaks down to a blow-gun and darts. I might add he is deadly accurate with the darts whether he is throwing them or blowing them.
The next guy is Crazy-Chris-Maddog. He came by his name legitimately. I saw him bite a guys thumb off one night for pencil whipping him. That is, when this guy would walk and chalk, he always seemed to round up his numbers. Crazy-Chris, grabbed him by the hand and bit the last joint off the thumb on his dart throwing hand. He then proceeded to spit the digit into the guys scotch old-fashioned. Lying in the bottom of the glass is an orange-slice, a cherry and a thumb-joint. Maddog, whispers into the ear of his dart-groupie-chick, and says, "Get me a scotch-old-fashioned would you please, Oh, and no thumb please." We all watch her walk away, because Crazy-Chris always brings a dynamite gal to darts. Watching her walk away is like watching two little kittens play is a sac. Old Nine-Count doesn't play darts anymore. I guess he's a light-weight or he would have learned how to throw with his other hand. That is, if anybody would have played him. Darters are unforgiving when it comes to out and out cheating. Anybody can make a mistake, having one too many beers or shooters. God help the person who blatantly cheats! Right behind Maddog is Double-In-Double-Out-Dave or as some darters call him D2-I&O. No one can remember the last time he didn't get in or out on the first available dart. He is married to a retired darter by the name of Diamond-Kim. She got her darty-name by hitting the numbers that she needed. One of the regulars saw her shooting and said, "Now there is a diamond in the rough." Of course, being a good looking gal doesn't hurt anything. She will go down forever as one of "The Moonshiner's" greatest players. I understand, "The Moonshiners" had her tee-shirt bronzed, and she filled a tee-shirt very well. Diamond-Kim tells us that D2-I&O keeps her bare-foot and pregnant. She says, when she is not babysitting or engineering (her regular job), she is practicing darts. She says, "I'll be back".
Talking to Double-In-Double-Out-Dave, is Darty-Mark, better known as Mark-The-Dart. He was playing with a stranger one evening and this guy was pencil whipping him and calling him Darty-Mark The next throw, Mark-The-Dart, put one through the dudes ear, and nailed him to the frame of the score board. You don't tug on superman's cape. You don't spit in the wind, and you sure don't cheat Mark-The-Dart or call him Darty-Mark unless you know him well. Darty-Mark walked up to the guy and said, "It looks like you're going to be stuck her for a bit. Can I get you a beer?" About that time Lotta-linya, Darty-Mark's lady walked by the guy nailed to the score board and said, "Hey looser, why don't you put a gold ring through that hole in your ear, and we'll call you gypsy."
She knew we already had a guy called gypsy, but it did bring uproarious laughter from the darters watching that game. The last two guys there are Donnie-Dead-Right, and the guy next to him carrying what appears to be a purse is, Spicy. Donnie-Dead-Right was visiting another pub a few years ago. He was having a little discussion with the guy he was shooting with, about what was the best way to get out with a certain number. The waitress, who happened to be an ex-Miss Texas and owned this pub, was delivering drinks to these shooters and she overheard the discussion. She said to Donnie, "You are dead right about the best out for that number." Donnie said to her, "Let's you and I fly down to Cancun for the weekend and blast a little bit." She reached down and gave him a full hand squeeze on the butt and said, "You're dead right again, Donnie. You finish your game and I'll tell the bartender that she's in charge of closing for the weekend."
You can never tell where, when, or how a darty-name is going to come about. Take Spicy for instance. Some smart ass asked him, why his shoes didn't match his purse. Without missing a beat he said, "This used to be a purse in a former life, but it is a dart bag now. It doesn't have to match my shoes. Although I have to watch the bag very closely. Sometimes it reverts to a purse. When it does, I can never find my car keys." Spicy has been around for a while, but he didn't get his darty-name till he stopped smoking commercial cigarettes and started smoking herbs and spices. He drives an old beat-up red Caddy convertible, He calls "Ruby", 'And loving it' as Dos-Mas would say. Spicy has been known to invite darters out to his Caddy to share his pipe. He grows his own herbal pipe tobacco. He calls it Spring Gold, after Acapulco Gold I'm sure. You want to be careful about going out and having a pipe in the back seat of "Ruby". You never know what your attitude will be when you get out of the car, although I can truthfully say I never saw anybody leave "Ruby" that wasn't smiling. Including myself. Somebody sneaks up behind me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. There are only two people who would do that. Cloveless-Annie or Dos Mas. I didn't feel any whiskers, and I heard Annie's lilting voice. "What's happening, Bullseye-Drunk-Again? How goes the interview and narration of this event?" I say, "Cloveless Annie, I was just telling these folks about Spicy. Do you have any Spicy stories you can share?"
"Yes," she says, "All the darters know this, but these people may not. Spicy had brain surgery a few years ago and as he says, 'They broke all his gray matter that he used to do math.' He has a hell of a time adding and subtracting in three-0-one and five-0-one. He was chalking for us and I could see he was having a bad time of it. You know how you blow through your lips. It's not quite a whistle. He was doing that semi-whistle while he was trying to do the numbers."
I said, "What's that noise Spicy? Well Cloveless-Annie, when they did the brain surgery, they had to drill a hole in my skull."
Cloveless-Annie jumped in and said, "I know, that's the wind whistling through that hole. I wanted to give him a new darty-name and call him Whistler. But it just didn't seem right." I said, "Yes, I agree with you. Spicy will be Spicy until he hangs up his darts."
I looked up and saw, Mind-Control-Joe and his wife Castle-Martha head toward the liars-poker game. Now there is a husband/wife team you won't beat soon. I had drawn Mind-Control-Joe in a blind draw contest once. We won of course. Everybody says, nobody can consistently throw darts as well as Joe. Therefore, he must have invented a dart with a computer in the shaft he controls with his mind. Darned if I can figure out how he controls the darts after he has had a few shooters, but he does.
Castle-Martha is in real-estate. She sold that castle on the Woodlands Lake to some emir from the middle east a few years ago for several million. There is a rumor that she sold Castle Rock, Maine to Steven King. Well anyway, that's how they came about their darty-names. Castle-Martha is pretty, and is built like a brick ah, castle that is. She doesn't drink that much, maybe she controls Joe's darts. Which ever one it is, they do it well.
Do you see the fellow standing there with a fist full of money? That's Odds-On-Joe. He posts the dart statistics from the previous week. He also puts out a tote-board every week. The tote-board gives the odds on the next weeks matches. You can take his figures to the bank. He has been right on the money since he started his little service. I understand he's so good at what he does that Vegas is interested in taking over his biz. Odds-On-Joe also happens to be a first flight dart player. Watch him over there. He will set somebody up for a hustle on the dart board. He told me all he has to do is figure out what kind of leeway he has with two players and he can make a buck on anything. I'll be curious to see how he sets the odds for this intergalactic playoff.
Those three guys that are watching Odds-On are Cavalier-Kevin, his brother Fast-Eddie and Shanghai-Larry. They will ask Odds-On-Joe to set up a game for them and they will give Odds-On twenty percent of what they win. Cavalier got his darty-name because he lost once to a pretty young lady and he was very gracious about it. Notice I said he lost once. He isn't that kind of gracious very often, because he doesn't lose often. He has whipped my butt several times. It certainly is true he is cavalier whether he wins or loses.
Fast-Eddie, is the quickest, most accurate dart thrower west of the Pecos. He can put three darts in the bullseye and throw down a tequila shooter before you can say "quick-draw". Shanghai-Larry is something all together different. There is a gambling dart game called shanghai. The fastest way to win this game is to get a single, double and triple of a number. We sometimes play shanghai after league play, or a blind draw. Now Shanghai-Larry will never instigate a game, but he will always play. If you play in the game, be prepared to have short games and give old Shanghai the lion's share of the winnings. This bunch, plus Cloveless-Annie and Blackstone-Bart make up one of the toughest teams in the league.
They play out of a pub called Betties Better Beer. The team name is, "Betties Bad Bet." As I have explained, these folks are some of the best, so it really is a bad bet, to go against them. Ask Odds-On-Joe. He's won a begillion dollars backing this team. Here comes the waitress, Saint-Maria. She is a combination of Mother Teresa and a St. Bernard in the Alps. Nice for us darters, she also happens to be a good looking lady, with a walk you can't ignore. I've seen guys fall out of their chairs trying to get a better look at her walking away. Like the St. Bernard, she will find you to deliver whatever it is you need to quench your thirst. Like Mother Teresa, she will deliver it with a smile on her face and love in her heart. Her working partner behind the bar is Never-Spill-A-Drop-Ann. It makes no difference how many people she is taking care of, she never spills a drop of liquor or forgets an order. When she bends over to make a well drink, every man at the bar looks her way. We darty-guys are all happy that Mike-The-Mick likes to work with good looking women. Never-Spill-A-Drop is another well built, good looking gal. Yea Mike!
Let's take our beer and walk around to see who else is here. The guy sitting there people watching is Alien-Allen. He substituted one night for "The Moonshiners". The guy threw so well, Darty-Mark said, "Where did this shooter come from? He's a keeper." You see the foxy looking chic with the tight jeans and boots. That is Care-Of- The-Line-Dart-Bitch. She got her name playing some jerk who was forever stepping over the toe-line. She would bring it to his attention. When she got up to shoot he said to her "Take care of the line, bitch." Even though he gave her, the darty-name, Dart-Bitch didn't much care for his attitude. She said, "I noticed that whenever he would talk to a female dart player he would always talk down to them. So I bopped him one on the nose and told him to clean up his act when he was talking to one of us."
We call that loser Congo, because when the Dart-Bitch hit him in the nose she had darts in her hand. Congo ended up with a hole in his nose and blood everywhere. He said, "What the hell", and put a gold ring through it. He reminded me of pictures in the old National Geographic. He has mellowed a lot since then, particularly after he met the Dart-Bitch's husband Rod-The-Ram-Man. I told Congo, Ram-Man got his name for ramming a dart up some wise guys ass for making disparaging remarks about his wife. Of course, that's not true. Ram-Man knows the Dart-Bitch can take care of herself and he wouldn't dream of taking away any of her fun. Like smacking Congo.
See the slim guy who has that beauty with the dark-eyes in tow? Not so strange, her dart name is Dark-Eyed-Beauty. The guys darty-name is Lucky-Charles. He gave them both their darty-names. When he first met her he said, "What is a dark eyed beauty like you doing playing darts by yourself." Not terribly original but it worked for her. After they became an item he said, "I've got to be the luckiest dart player in the world to have a beauty like you." "Goblin, how-ya-hitten-em?" I say, as I bump into this darter.
"Pretty good Drunk-Again, yourself?" "I'm fine as a frog's hair. Goblin, would you tell these folks how you got your darty-name?"
"Sure, oh wait a minute, here comes Turk-Nightmare and his wife Janet-Sings-Like. It was at their place, The Rebel Room, that I got the name." Goblin says, as he slips his arm around Sings-Like and gives her a hug.
Turk says, "I'll never forget that night. There was a fierce lighting storm and Goblin was late. The captain of the other team wanted to get started. There was a brilliant flash in the parking lot and Goblin came through the door with another lightning flash behind him. The other captain looked at Goblin and said, 'What are you some kind of a goblin? Do you always ride lightning bolts to your dart matches?'"
QP-Cathy and Royalty-Darryl have been shooting on the same team for a while. They used to play out of a pub called The Green Macaw, however Turk-Nightmare and Janet-Sings-Like saw them play and bought out their contract. They now play out of The Rebel Room. QP, got her name as you might expect, shooting a passel of quality points. Royalty, on the other hand got his name from a poker game. He got several four-of-a-kinds and straight-flushes in one night. In that particular game they paid royalties for these hands. I should know, I was playing that night. He damn near broke the game. If you will excuse me I have to go sharpen my darts. In darty vernacular, that means I have to make a trip to the men's room.
-*- -*- -*-As I push the door open, I am immersed in a golden light. When I walk in, the glow increases. I think to myself, maybe I've had one too many shooters. Standing in front of me is Jammin-Jesse. You might not think this was any big deal to run across another dart player in the men's room. However, this darter passed over a couple of years ago. I say, "Jammin, is that you? I thought you were dead."
He says, "Bullseye-Drunk-Again, old dart players don't die. They just keep doubling in and out, and amassing quality points. I'm here representing all the darters that have gone to the big blind draw in the sky."
I say, "Jammin it looks like the wings might get in the way when you're shooting." "Not so Drunk-Again. The wings, kind-of help us keep our balance, just as the halo keeps the light just right. My real purpose in being here is to tell you and the other darters from Spring, to whip butt. 'Into the tiger's mouth.'"
To a dart player, "Into the tiger's mouth", is like saying "break a leg" to an actor. In short they are wishing you good luck.
"Bless your heart Jammin. I'll pass your good luck on to the rest of the Spring darters. By the way Jammin, can I bring you a shooter?" But when I turn around to get his answer, he is gone. All that is there, is a little golden after-glow. I finish my business and go back to the TV people.
-*- -*- -*-I best tell you about one of the greatest dart players ever to come out of this league, that would be Jammin Jesse. He was playing darts one night and needed six bulls to win. The first two went in the double bull, then he walked up to look at the board. His opponent said, "You'll never jam another dart in that bull."
Jammin said, "That is exactly what I will do. I'll jam that last dart in the double bull." And he proceeded to do just that.
At this point we have talked about a lot of dart shooters from Spring. We still need to know, what will Odds-On-Joe set the betting at? What will Game-man call the team representing Earth and Molly Aquires?
The pub name from Io, Jupiter's moon, is called Moon-Over-Jupiter. The team name is "The Volcanoes". Probably because of all the active volcanoes on this little moon. What are the darty-names of their players? How did the players get their darty-names? The pub on Io will be the official delegate for the rest of the Milky-Way-Galaxy. Who will the winner of this contest play? Who will shoot for the Earth team? How do the play-offs establish who is going to be on Molly's team?
-*- -*- -*-
Blind Draw At Molly Aquires
The six finalists in the play-offs will play in the Inter-Galactic championship. We all want to represent Earth in this match. Game-Man says the only fair way to get the best team is to have a blind draw. He also made the announcement that he would pick the team name as a result of some event that will take place in the play-offs.
Sir-Roger-The-Dragon-Slayer and High-Out-Jenny will run the play-offs. This is not unusual. These two run all of our blind draws, and do a phenomenal job. Particularly, when you consider all the over indulgence that the darters get into. That is playing for shooters and so forth.
Sir-Roger says, "All right, listen up. We have a lot of players in this contest. If we want to get out of here before sunrise, we won't have any walking and chalking. If your not playing, please chalk. Spicey, that includes you. Between the three of you, you should be able to get the numbers right. Bullseye-Drunk-Again, no shooters at the score-board. You keep your drinking to between games. By the way spicey, keep your runs out to see "Ruby" to a minimum would you. On board one is Goblin playing Care-Of-The-Line-Dart-Bitch. Board two will be 007-Andrew and Dark-Eyed-Beauty."
Lucky-Charles, walks by me and says, "What do you think bullseye?"
I say, "It should be a tough match unless 007 gets into the butterscotch nipple shooters. In that case I'll pick your Dark-Eyed-Beauty."
As the game progressed, 007 was having shooters sent over to the table. They were having their rubber match. Mark-The-Dart was chalking. 007 needed three bulls to win the contest. It was his turn to toe the line. He was sitting at a table, threw down a butterscotch nipple shooter. Before anybody could say anything, he picked up his blow-gun and sent two darts to the board. One was a single bull, the other a double.
Dark-Eyed-Beauty said, "007, you know you can't do that in the Inter-Galactic championship. Get your darts and throw them like everybody else."
007 got up and staggered to the board. Darty-Mark said, "No, that's a foul 007-Andrew. The match goes to the Dark-Eyed-Beauty." She said, "Why were you showing off 007, everybody knows you can throw and blow darts with the same expertise."
007 said, "I looked into your eyes and got lost."
Lucky-Charles, who was watching, said with a chuckle, "I know what you mean, I've gotten lost in those eyes a couple of times myself."
007 gave her congratulations and said, "The best dart player won." Dark-Eyed-Beauty said, "Maybe not the best player, but the soberest."
Castle-Martha was chalking for Dart-bitch and Goblin. Dart-Bitch was hot. She took the first two games so fast Goblin didn't know what hit him. He said, "Well I'm not riding lightning bolts tonight. If you make it to the big one, shoot like you just did and Molly Aquires will take home the Inter-Galactic trophy." Castle-Martha said, "Goblin, you're good, but tonight Dart-Bitch just plain out shot you. Good darts Bitch." All eyes went to Sir-Roger. He said, "On board three will be D2-I&O playing Odds-On-Joe."
Awesome-Anne & Andy were standing beside me. I said to them, "If Odds-On can keep his mind on the dart game, it will be a good contest. But, I'll bet you a shooter to an old cigar butt, that he is thinking about all the bread he is going to make at the main event."
Awesome Andy says, "Bullseye-Drunk-Again, I wouldn't take that bet, even if I needed an old cigar butt. Odds-On is going to have visions of dollar signs dancing through his head."
Ten minutes later, Odds-On says to the chalker, "Lucky-Charles, I concede to D2-I&O. I've got to get the odds put together for the big event. Besides I think D2-I&O will make a better team player than me."
Lucky-Charles says, "You're probably right Odds-On. It is not hard to tell you have your mind on something else."
D2-I&O says, "I promise you both, if I make it to the big one, I'll do my best. Thanks for the gimmy Odds-On."
Sir-Roger-The-Dragon-Slayer, stands and gives us a look. He then says, "This will be a particularly interesting contest. Mike-The-Mick, will be playing Bullseye-Drunk-Again on board four." Mike-The-Mick is the person that gave Bullseye-Drunk-Again his darty-name.
"Crazy-Chris-Maddog, will you chalk for those guys? Anybody seen Crazy-Chris? Oh there he is over there in the corner hugging on that good looking gal. Crazy-Chris, how about letting go of that spirited filly and get up there and chalk for these guys."
I grab my Honey-Brown and head for a table that is close to board number four. Mike-The-Mick is already sitting there, with a shot of Jamison's Irish whiskey in his hand. He gives me a nod, a wink and then throws back the Jamisons. He says, "Bullseye-Drunk-Again, it looks like we are toeing the line together again. Only this time not as partners but as adversaries." "Well, Mike-The-Mick, if I beat you I want somebody to call Guinness World Records. You know by now you have been my dart hero and I can't think of anyone I would rather play. If I can live up to playing in the same league as you, that's all right with me. Mike, Sir-Roger didn't say anything about what game we should play. I'll challenge you to a game of cricket. Are you up to it?" "You bet. Got a coin, Bullseye? Throw it in the air and I'll call it." I reach into my pocket and pull out one of those old big Eisenhower silver dollars. I toss it in the air and Mike says, "That's a tail." Sure enough it's a tail. Then he says, "Alright I'll give you one to shoot at." Mike goes up, toes the line and lets one fly. Bam! It's a double bullseye.
I take a good long slug of my Honey Brown and toe the line. And say, "Well Mike you don't leave much do ya?" I give my dart a toss and get a single bullseye. Mike says, "Okay, I'll start it out." I take another good long healthy slug of my Honey Brown while I watch Mike standing there toeing the line. The first dart he throws is a triple twenty. I think to myself, My God this is going to be a tough match. Next he throws a double twenty. The last dart is a single twenty. I say, "Well Mike-the-Mick, if we were playing Shanghai you would have me surrounded. As it is you can take a little six stroker; close the twenties and sixty points."
"I'll see what I can do with those nineteen's." I take a slug of beer, get up and toe the line. My first dart is a triple. "Great," I say. "Maybe I don't want you scoring twenties on me anymore. Not necessarily the best strategy in the world playing Mike, but I'm going to see if I can close the twenties." My second dart goes in and I get the triple twenty. "All right, I think I'll get a little jump on you here. Normally I would go for points but in this case I think I'll see what I can do about getting the eighteens." I let it go and it is a single eighteen.
Mike says, "Drunk-Again, you ought to be getting points. I'm going to get out there and get the eightteens and keep on getting points on you." Sure enough, he steps to the line and gets a single and a double eighteen. That closes them. Then he shoots himself one more eighteen...living up to his word like he always does.
I think about it for a minute and decide Mike is right. I need to get some points up there. I need to do it with the nineteens. I'm going to see if I can rack up a couple of points. I shoot and get three single nineteens.
As the game proceeds I think, Wow, this is as exiting as making a western with the Duke. I feel good about this, no matter what happens. As we start closing the holes, we get on down to the fifteens.
Mikes' up there toeing the line and he says, "Well, Bullseye, bullseyes are coming up and I know how you shoot those rascals. I'm going to have to get me a couple of extra points here."
He proceeds to close the fifteens and gets himself some extra fifteens for points. That leaves him with a lead on me of thirty points. This means I've got to shoot two bulls to get in front of him. Before I toe the line I say to Mike-The-Mick, "I want to propose a toast." He grabs himself an Irish shooter and I grab my Honey Brown and say "To dart players, you old shooter you. Let's kick some butt. Those guys from Jupiter's moon don't have anything on us." We click glasses and I go up and toe the line. I shoot and get two single bulls. I go back to the table and sit down, take a chug of my Honey Brown. Mike toes the line. Wham-wham, two double bulls. He says, "Nice game Bullseye. I got you on that one."
"Okay Mike, you just plain out-shot me." Being the looser, I diddle first for the second game. I get a single bull. Mike-The-Mick diddles, he gets a single bull. We go through this three times, each shooting single bulls. Finely his dart is just on the outside of the wire and mine is just inside. I will shoot first for the second game.
My first three darts are three, single twenties. I close that hole. He ain't going to be scoring on me there. Mike gets up, shoots and gets a triple nineteen, and two singles. That puts him thirty-eight in front of me, but he still has twenties open. I go ahead and get myself a triple twenty, that gives me sixty points.
Mike says, "Now I want to make a toast." Saint Maria, is walking by he says, "Bring Bullseye a tequila shooter and bring me another shot of Jamison." I say, "Wait a minute. If I'm going to be drinking tequila shooters you can drink 'em too. All right, Saint Maria, bring us shooters of tequila."
She is back in a New York minute and has the shooters for us. Mike holds up the shooter to me and says, "Bullseye, it's a pleasure shooting with you. You're a sportsman and I enjoy playing darts with a good sportsman. Let's continue this contest."
It comes down to the bulls again. I've got Mike by two bulls in points, but that's not much when you're shooting against Mike-The-Mick. His next shot is two single bullseyes, right-off. I give Saint-Maria the high sign, hold up two fingers and say, "Two more of those tequilas." She brings them right away.
Mike and I click glasses, then we both throw them down. We give a shake of our head and at the same time say "Smooth" and smile. I walk to the line, my first two darts are a double and a single. This game is over, I won the second game. Now for the rubber game. Loser of the coin toss diddles first, that's me. I win the diddle. We both close the twenties on the first round. I'm up again, I get two triples and a single. Mike shoots and he gets three triples. The whole place has slowed down. Everybody is sitting behind us, watching to see who is going to represent Molly Aquires in the Inter-Galactic Championship.
We are down to bullseyes again. Mike toes the line. His first dart goes into the double bull. I see this and think, oh Lord, now what. Turn out the lights, the party's over. The second dart goes in the single bull, but it knocks the double bull out. The third dart is another single bull.
If the double would have stayed, he had me. Ah, but it did not!
This is going to be very challenging, what I need is three bullseyes to win this thing. Like I said to Mike, If I win this, somebody has to call Guinness. I stand tall, toe the line, lean forward and let them go. The first two darts go right in the double bull. Its my game and match. Mike comes up, gives me a hug, and a high five. Then he says, "Well, you did it. You whipped my butt, good."
"Mike, if that dart hadn't fallen out of the double, I would be saying that to you, but as you told me when I first started playing, That's darts, it's not over till it's over." Crazy-Chris-Maddog looks at me and smiles, then says, "Man are you shooting over your head or what? You killed him. Good on-ya Bullseye."
"Maddog, I hardly think winning by one dart is killing him."
Both Mike-The-Mick and I thank Crazy-Chris for chalking. Then we buy him shooters. The three of us sit and talk about the match. Mike-The-Mick says, "Bullseye-Drunk-Again, there ain't nobody in this building that is going to shoot bulls like you do. I just hope you stay hot and beat those guys from Io."
My commentary on the match, I've got to agree with Maddog. I was shooting over my head and I was hot on those bulls. That's what saved me. Mike and I got a very nice round of applause from the rest of the players. It is always great to get accolades from your peers.
Sir-Roger-The-Dragon-Slayers, stands and says, "Good darts, Drunk-Again. On board five will be Cavalier-Kevin. He will be playing his brother, Fast-Eddie. Keep in mind gentlemen this is a blind draw. Let us have brotherly love." Sir-Roger continues, "All right, who's going to chalk on board five."
I look over and see Alien-Alan heading towards board five. That's good, he's a steady trooper. Alien-Alan tosses a quarter in the air. Fast-Eddie says, "That's a head." It comes down a tail. Cavalier-Kevin says, "I'll give you one." Fast-Eddie says, "Wait a minute, let me throw three to get my arm in shape."
Fast-Eddie toes the line. Three darts went out so fast, the chalker almost got whiplash watching them go in. Three single bulls. Fast Eddie says, "All right, Cavalier let's go after it. Brother or no, I'm going to put the whoop on ya."
Cavalier says, "Okay, I hope for your sake you've got one more of those bullseyes left" He toes the line. Smack, into the bull.
Fast-Eddie throws; bang, double bull. He says, "I'll start this thing off. Seeing as how it's diddlers choice, we will start out with three-0-one." Eddie shoots and gets in with a ton. Cavalier gets in with a ton.
"This is going to be a hot and heavy game." says, Alien as he is chalking. "You guys go to neutral corners, and come out darting."
Watching these men shoot, I can see there is brotherly love between them, but also a good healthy competitiveness, as well. They have it down to a one dart out. Both players have been missing their double-out opportunities. They have it down to where they are both shooting double-one to win the game. This is very unlike these guys. Historically these two take advantage of two and three dart outs. But, it happens to the best of us. Fast-Eddie toes the line and says, "One more time." Then proceeds to get the out. His brother gives him a high-five and says, "Good darts, Bro." Cavalier was his usual cavalier self. Then he says, "Looser of the first game diddles." He wins the diddle. Not unusual, he tons in. Then Eddie tons in. Man these shooters are heavy. I don't care which one wins. These darters are both excellent dart players and good sportsmen. It's a pleasure playing with them. They are both down there with two-dart outs. Cavalier is toeing the line, he has one hundred left. The first dart is a triple twenty. Before you could blink, the second dart is in the double twenty. I yell at Cavalier, "Hey Kev, That second dart was up and in pretty quickly. Are you taking a page from Fast-Eddie's book?" Cavalier says, "I can't go wrong mimicking Eddie, after all he is the one that taught me the game." They high-five and go into the family Inter-galactic play-off. They are down there for the two dart out. Eddie lets two darts fly.
Alien-Alan's head whips around, watching the darts fly. He points at Fast-Eddie and says, "The winner." The three of them get together and they all high-five each other. The brothers thank Alien for chalking. Alien says, "It's a pleasure chalking for you people. You guys are good." High-Out-Jenny, stands and yells out in her little voice, "If you darters want to continue this contest; listen up. Solo-Mike and Ace-In-the-hole-Joe will play on board six. Royalties-Darryl, If you would stop playing with your beard long enough to chalk for your old team-mates we would all appreciate it." I say, "Solo, QP-Cathy, Royalties and Ace-In-The-hole-Joe make up one of the toughest teams around. They play out of The rebel room. Their team is "Troubled troupes." If you want to have some trouble, play this bunch. Solo-Mike, got his darty- name by challenging a four man team out of Dallas. He played four games of cricket at once and won all four matches playing solo. Ace-In-the-hole, came by his name quite legitimately. Time and time again, his old team was in a fix, and needed a win. They would pull out their Ace in the hole, Joe and he would bail them out by winning his match. He's good real good. After a while Royalties yelled over to Sir-Roger, "Give this match to Solo-Mike, he ended up beating Ace by one bull in the third game."
Here comes another one of the teams from Molly's stable. This team is called "Orc". Their captain and strategist is Sly-Fox. A good name for him; he always comes up with a clever strategy to beat the team they are playing. The guy coming in behind Sly is Killer-Keith. He is like the clean-up man, although they often put him in first. He will most often win his first game and give "Orc" a good healthy start. That tall gal that is coming in right behind Killer, is Amazon-Jean. You can see why she got her darty-name; she is big and beautiful, and can she throw some darts. Chatting with Amazon is Tarot-Tara. If you draw Tarot to shoot against, your immediate future is just about told. You're going to have all the trouble at a dart board that you ever dreamed of. She is deadly with a dart in her hand. If you buy her a drink she may concede to tell your fortune by the way your darts are stuck in the board. Don't be disappointed if she tells you that you are going to lose that game, most everyone losses when they play her. Some players from out of town thought she was putting the "ju-ju" on them. Some say she spent time in Haiti learning hexes and curses. All I know is that she is a great darter and pretty, as well. If she in fact, can put the "ju-ju" on the opposing team, well more power to her. The blond tagging along there is Super-Jamie. Just because she is pretty and has a super body, it's nothing to do with her darty-name. The only person who spends more time in the super mode is Clark Kent. She got her name from her innate ability to shoot a super game when it really counts. The last guy in that bunch is Can-Do-Chris. We call him Can-Do, because, he can. If the team happens to be down, Can-Do will make a difference. "Orc" is a very apropos name for this team. I can sum up "Orc" in one sentence; "They are a whale of a team with a killer instinct." Although killers at the dart board; it is fun to play with "Orc". Not only are they good darters and good sportsmen, but when one of the gals gets up to shoot, all eyes will be on the shooter. This is truly watching beauty in motion.
Never-Spill-A-Drop-Ann, Molly's Galactic on-line person, just brought me hard copy of who is going to represent Io's Moon Over Jupiter pub, the "Volcanoes". A quick read here tells me they are sending an interesting assortment of players. The moon Io is a stop-over for all manner of beings, from all over the galaxy. Everyone will be wearing an intergalactic translator, so essentially we will all be speaking the same language. They were kind enough to supply us with a list of players, along with their darty-names and in some cases, the story on how they got those dart names.
The "Volcanoes" captain is an individual by the name of Pirate-Pete. He comes by the name honestly, he was a galactic pirate. The Governor of Io has given him a special dispensation. This allows Pete to get out of an Io prison and come to Spring TX and join us in this dart contest. I have been given assurances that Pirate-Pete is not a danger to us in any manner. He is a non-violent man. The second player they list is an individual called Octopus, he only has three arms as opposed to eight. It says here that he throws all three darts, almost simultaneously, his arms take the same movement that a whip has when you crack it. It has that little snap on the end. Octopus's throw even has the whip-crack sound affects to it. Lola is the next player listed. She is actually an Earther. She was doing some space travel and ended up on Io. She won some kind of a precious gem mine in a dart game, consequently, has made Io her home. We have no information on the type of jewels that are mined there; (I will try to get more information on that for you). The reason they call her Lola is that she always gets what she wants. We'll see how badly she wants the coveted Galactic-Dart-Cup. Wanting and winning are completely different. The Moon Over Jupiter pub has given us the English version of the dart names. In the native pronunciation, I get my tongue caught in my teeth and can't quite give you the right sound. They also have a female by the name of Moon-Beam. She actually works at the Moon Over Jupiter pub; she is the equivalent of one of our barmaids, with hostess duties thrown in. I have no idea what hostess duties might entail. She says she creates a moon-beam that runs from her hand to the target; the dart goes wherever she wills it. It might be an interesting contest between Mind-Control-Joe and her. The next player they list is called Sneezey. The nose on Sneezey is a couple of feet long. That is how he launches the darts, he sticks them in his nose, that tickles him and he sneezes. It says here, there is no residue when he does this. I hope not, I wouldn't want to catch anything from Io. It will be interesting to see 007 and Sneezey get together on the side, for a game. I wonder how Odds-On-Joe will place the odds on an event like this. Rather than toe the line Sneezy will have to nose the line.
I can hear the Dart-Bitch now; "Hey you with the nose, get your proboscis behind that line before I wrap it around your head. I'll tie it so tight you won't know if you're coming or going. It will take you five pounds of black pepper and a days worth of sneezing to get it straight again." She probably would be a little more diplomatic then that, but then again, don't catch her on a bad day.
Look at this, more information on Sneezy. Honest to darty Gods, this is what it says "It doesn't really sound like a sneeze, it sounds more like an elephant breaking wind. Walloom! This coach is a gas. Pardon the pun. We have Something or somebody called Mars. Ah here it is, He is humanoid, seven feet tall. That's a rather big fellow. To go on, he wears a bandoleer across his chest; laced with darts that have different weights, flights, shafts, and material. Their coach describes him as the fastest draw in the galaxy. Well isn't this efficient Whenever the dart go in or out they are automatically sharpened. By the way this introduction was put together by the coach; who I understand is quite a character himself. This is interesting, this next player is, To quote the coach, he says, "Venus is definitely female Almost human."
"Well what the hell does that mean. Do we need restrooms that say MALE, FEMALE and YOUR GUESS, or maybe ALL OTHERS." This one actually has a visible halo. You can read the mood she is in by the colors of her of the halo, but you note he didn't give us any kind of a color chart. I think it would pay to be able to read this one if we can. Here is some more, She has the kind of smile that makes you want to go out and buy roses and champagne. You know that kind of smile that says you're going to have a good time tonight, because I'm going to make sure you do.
Okay, 007, Right-again-Donnie and Crazy-Chris, you men best seek her out and see what kind of person she is, make sure you make note as to what the different colors mean You can sacrifice for God, Mother and that beautiful darty Cup.
Cloveless-Ann, walks up to me and says, "Hey Drunk-Again, I'm willing to do my bit for God, Mother and the darty cup, That big, good looking dude Mars, just how human is he?"
"I don't know Cloveless, why don't you get inside that bandoleer he's wearing and you can tell us." I can see we are going to have some interesting stories to swap around when this event is over. Cloveless-Ann says, "Ya, I think I will take him on as a project. This looks like it could be a fun little investigation, no matter how it turns out. I hope he's not quick as a bunny with all the things he does."
Orange-Jo, steps up beside Cloveless-Ann and says to me, "What do you know about this guy they call Pirate-Pete?" If he's not a total loser, I'll check him out. Maybe have a practice game or two.
As they say in the horse-racing game and describing dart pedigree, Orange-Jo, is out of Sir-Roger-The-Dragon-Slayer and High-Out-Jenny; so she comes by darts naturally. She initially was given the darty name of Hi-Dragon. Last year she earned her own name. She was playing a guy named Hansom-Brute, because he was. I might add, Orange-Jo, is a raving beauty herself. I wasn't there for that particular match, but I'm told the match was called "Hollywood takes a darty break". Anyway, Orange-Jo, bet Hansom-Brute a kiss if he beat her, and he would owe her a "sweet Mexican" if he lost. A sweet Mexican, is a four ounce drink made up of half tequila and half butterscotch schnapps. A deadly drink. The contest would be made up of one game each, three-o-one, five-o-one and cricket. As a lot of our contests do, it came down to the last dart. Orange-Jo won. When Hansom-Brute was asked what happened, he said, "She dangled that big orange carrot of a kiss, in front of me and I just seemed to fall apart. I wanted to kiss her so badly. I guess I just forgot how to throw darts."
St.-Maria, was walking by and saw the results of the contest, as she approached the bar, she said to Never-Spill-A-Drop-Ann, two of those "Sweat Mexicans,"
Never-Spill-A-Drop says, "That must mean Hi-Dragon won. Who did she beat? Oh by the way have you seen Spicy? I'll bet my favorite two ounce jigger it was a good looking guy and she bet him a kiss."
St.-Maria says, "Hi-dragon, will from this day on be known as Orange-Jo. And then goes on to explain about the new darty-name. Yes you're right, she beat Hansom-Brute. There is Spicy over there, I'll tell him you want to talk to him."
On the way to delivering the drinks St.-Maria tells Spicy he is wanted at the bar. When she hands the drinks to the two beautiful people, she watches them click glasses and make a toast to dart playing. Then she watches Orange-Jo set the empty glass down, put her arms around Hansom-Brutes neck and then give him a fierce lip lock. As Orange-Jo pulls away she says, "Nice game, Isn't it great when we all win."
Amongst all this I noticed Spicy go up to the bar, Never-Spill-A-drop said something to him, then Mike-The-Mick went behind the bar and Never-Spill-A-Drop and Spicy walked out the door. A few minutes later, they came back in. Never-Spill-A-Drop had a smile on her face that went from ear to ear. She went behind the bar, to take her rightful place, Mike-The-Mick came out from behind the bar to do his public relations job as manager.
I'm keeping a close eye on Never-Spill-A-Drop, because I know the show is about to start. I've seen what happens when she goes out to take a break with Spicy. I hear someone call for a martini and at the same time someone else call for a scotch and soda. Never-Spill-A-drop, bends over the well drinks, picks up the gin and scotch bottles, flips them up in the air, caches them in the crook of her arms, while she gets two glasses with ice ready, she rolls the bottles around her and catches them under her arm. As she is rolling the bottles under her arm, she is pouring soda and a splash of vermouth into the glasses. Of course holding the bottles like that increases her cleavage. I thought every guy at the bar was going to snap their neck, trying to get a better look. When she put the drinks down in front of the requesters she said, "Very dry martini with an extra olive, and for you a twist with your scotch and soda."
I don't have the slightest idea where they came from, but as she slid the drinks in front of the folks that ordered them, two olives fell into the gin and a twist of lemon fell into the scotch. She got a standing ovation, with lots of bravos from all that saw that bit of prestidigitation mixed with super bar-showman-ship. She made Tom Cruise look like a freshman. A couple of minutes with Spicy, and Never-Spill-A-Drop-Ann, was like a new rejuvenated person.
Well, back to Orange-Jo, that's how she got the name. I'll be curious to see how Orange-Jo, sets up the meeting with this dude they call Pirate-Pete. No matter what else happens, the meeting of these two teams will be talked about till the next millennium.
"Look who walked in, it's the Dalton-Gang. They call him the Dalton-Gang, because if your playing against him you think you're playing a gang. When he throws a dart it goes where he wants. I often wonder if he penalizes any darts that don't do exactly as he wants. Maybe, something like, when you're part of my gang, you go where I tell you. If you rebel; its back into the box for you. No matter how you look at this guy he is a top flight dart tosser. That good looking fox that is with him is his protégée. Her name is Kool-Karen, and she has a trick or two. Her team mates tell me, "She's as Cool as the breeze in the trees". There is nothing quite as beautiful as a good looking woman, standing tall, toeing the line, leaning forward and dropping a dart in the double-bull for a winner. This dart thrower epitomizes the previous statement. She doesn't stand all that tall, but when she gets to the toe line, it's like watching a visual song. She is refreshing. Watching her throw a bullseye is like watching and listening to a breeze going through a willow tree by a lake shore on a summer day. I saw her play D2-I&O the other day, he only beat her by one dart. Under the tutelage of the Dalton-Gang, Kool-Karen will also be a top flight darter. Watch out D2-I&O, the next time you play her, she may send you back to Diamond-Kim, with a mark in the losing column. This season, the Dalton-Gang and Kool-Karen are playing for Molly's Stable. A team called, "Testys-And-Breastys". Killer-Keith is also on that team. I played Killer-Keith, a warm-up game the other day, and the rascal only beat me by one dart. But then again it was his dart not mine. Amazon-Jean, Killer Keith's partner in life, was chalking. She said, "Bullseye-Drunk-Again, you just keep after it. You'll beat him one day".
"I know I'll beat him eventually, I would just like to do it while I'm young enough to remember it, and brag a little." Keep an eye on this team, this season they are going to be strong. I'll bet a tequila shooter to a set of old dart flights, that they are in the running for the big trophy.
"That's Bonnie-Cost, coming in right behind "Testys-And-Breastys". When you play her she will bet you a green-Irish, that is a shot of baileys and a shot of green creme de minthe, stirred, not shaken. And it will cost ya. Not only is her name Bonnie, but so is her attitude. I played her and paid the price. But I didn't mind. She is as pretty as a kitten, with a mind and body that will make you forget that her last shot just cost you a couple of bucks. Well what the heck, maybe I can win it back from Goblin. If you believe that, Castle-Martha has got some swamp land she wants to talk to you about.
Bonnie-Cost is playing for Rebel's, "Untamed-Wolfettes-And-A-Turk". This team will finish in the top ten this season. Wait till Bonnie-Cost has a few more games under her belt. She will be awesome as an "Untamed Wolfette".
This is an unexpected surprise. Here comes Diamond-Kim. She comes bustin in, with her darts held high over her head and yells "Diamond-Kim is back! Let the games begin." The "Moon-Shiners" will be happy to hear she is playing again. What I wonder is how do you unretire a bronzed T-shirt. Rest assured, if she has made up her mind that she is going to play darts, she'll play darts. Even if she has to play topless. That would be interesting, talk about the other team losing concentration, Diamond-Kim topless, and shooting darts would be a site to see. Although I feel sure that Game-Man will give her another Mollys shirt. She is an inspirational leader to that team.
With all this action you can bet there will be some interesting warm-up games. I'll give you a dart by dart commentary of the more interesting matches.
Any resemblance between the characters in this story, or the places, is strictly bull. If you think you see yourself, someone you know, a pub you've been in, or a team you've played on you are hallucinating. Or possibly you have spent too much time in the back seat of "Ruby", Spicey's Caddy.
THE INTER-GALACTIC CHAMPIONSHIP/SCHMELZKOPF
Copyright © 1999 - 2004 Dick Schmelzkopf
Poem - Darters of the World Unite
Poem - Couples by the Name, Darts is the Game
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